Scientists and authorities alike are befuddled by the mysterious nature of Matt Hitchens' disappearance.

Matt Hitchens: Man, Myth, Legend

His Secrets May Hold the Key to the Future of Humanity

Matt Hitchens, renowned globally for his exploratory travels in the deepest of the Pacific, recognized around with world for his forays into the thickest jungle of the Amazon, acclaimed by every country on every continent for his profound directorship of Sheer Idiocy, looked up to by all of humanity for being the first man to walk on Jupiter, has made begun a new, albeit unorthodox journey.

The exact nature of his journey is cause for much division among eyewitnesses. Fellow Idiot Jon Bragg said, "I was standing in his living room, and suddenly there was a bright flash, and the next thing I knew, he had become a ball of light."

Another eyewitness, Joey Faust, swears he saw Matt strip off all his clothing and go stand in the street, where he was picked up by passing alien spacecraft.

Matt Duggan claims, "I was in the other room at the time that it happened... all I heard him say was 'My God, it's full of stars!'"

Two days later in a roadside cafe, we cornered one Jeffrey Kimball, Matt's old research partner. "Matt was always very interested in genetic engineering... in fact the two of us often collaborated on projects, such as the glow-in-the-dark whale. That was always my favorite. The last time I saw him, all he said was 'I'm moving on, Jeff'. I didn't quite understand what was happening at first, but I could only conclude that he had decided to evolve... beyond man."

We were lucky enough to track down Mr. Hitchens himself for an EXCLUSIVE interview.

Reporter: So, the ever-elusive Matt Hitchens, we finally meet.

Matthew E. Hitchens: You could say that, yeah.

R: The world wants to know, Mr. Hitchens. Where have you BEEN all this time? And what has become of you?

MH: Well, to be perfectly honest I've been sitting here in my apartment. I went out for groceries once, but I've pretty much been here the entire time. I don't know what everyone's been making a big deal out of this for.

R: Some have said you now reside in another dimension, that you have somehow found a way to transcend time and space itself to meet your whims.

MH: No. No, that one's not true.

R: What brought about this dramatic and amazing change?

MH: Well, what I'm trying to say here is that nothing's really changed. I mean, I graduated, sure, and I'll probably be leaving for Houston or something soon, but it's still the same old me.

R: What do your friends think of all this?

MH: They've been acting a little... strange lately. Like I was sitting at home watching reruns of Futurama on my TiVo when all of a sudden they all walked in with this psychic, and lit candles and sat in a circle, and then they all called out to me. I was yelling "Guys, I'm right here on the couch," and then the psychic would say to them "He's here. He's on the couch." And they'd all gasp. It was really kind of bizarre.

R: Is it difficult for an extremely advanced being such as yourself to live in a world not ready for you yet?

MH: I really don't know what you're talking about. You people have been creeping me out ever since I finished RPI. Now get out of my apartment.

Graduation? Or something more fantastic and amazing? You be the judge!