International Beauty Wizard

LaTwanda's Column de la Advice and Stuff

by LaTwanda Ezmerelda Boutros Boutros Smith

LaTwanda, How do you get such pearly white teeth? Jonathan Sheldon, Toothless Wonder

Well Jonathan (T. Wonder), I use the EfferWhite 2000. It's a new tooth cleansing system available at your local DMV. Just cruise on down and pick one up. The EfferWhite 2000 is a brand new product, made from the finest of space-age materials. Use twice a day for a perfect smile. First, just hook it up to any power source. Your car battery should have enough power. Then, use the specially-designed Mylar body straps, added for comfort, and switch that baby on. The retractable probe inserts through your nostril, and coupled with the twin spinning gripper heads, provides a smooth, comfortable shave. Next, place Tab A over Tab B and join piece M-31 to block 14. Once the built-in security system is tested, you can begin whitening. I use the EfferWhite 2000 every day and just look at my teeth! Even after all those menthols, my teeth are still whiter than an albino's ass at Christmas!

Dear Latwanda, When I was a college kid, I loved life. I worked along with some of my best friends on the craze of the day, computers. Hell, we were good at it, and it was fun. I even dropped out of college to start up a software company. And it worked. For I time, life was bliss. But, since making my first billion, I find myself in a sea of decadent sex and money. What should I do to find true happiness again? Sincerely, Bill G.

Bill G. - The true meaning of happiness isn't sex, money, computers, or college. True happiness comes from what is close to your heart. To me, true bliss comes from the satisfaction I see on my girlfriends' face after I've given her a gheri curl. I slap on that Ultra-Sheen, and girl, you're every woman! True happiness isn't rich foods or expensive cigars. I love my tuna and menthols! True happiness isn't computers and software. It's Ricki Lake and Jenny Jones. Take it from me, an old pro in the department of happiness, don't take life for granted. When you think you've hit your lowest low, pick up your Jew's harp and a Colt 45 and feel better. It works for me. Tuna. Ooh.

Dear LaTwanda, I've recently lost my job and I don't have anywhere to go. My friends tell me that I should just find a temporary job at a place like Sears or WalMart. But I love those stores and I'm afraid I wouldn't want to leave to go work for another company. What do I do? -Unemployed in Underoos

Unemployed, take it from me. I would definitely want to work at WalMart. I mean, think about it. WalMart is a great shopping experience, and a great company to work for. They have a great discount program, and the break room is awesome. Me and my best friend Shawanda go up there for coffee and menthol cigarettes all the time. They even hired seven of my kids to work after school! But oh, I love my menthols!

Dear LaTwanda, I got in a fight with my parents because they want me to go to Yale and I want to go to Harvard. Harvard is more expensive, but I want to be near Boston, because it's such a beautiful city. How do I convince them that what I want is best for me? -College Bound in Cleveland

College Bound, I don't think you should even go to college. Look at me, I've got this great advice column, I work at WalMart, and own my own beauty salon, and I didn't even graduate high school. All you need is a strong work ethic, determination, and the ability to tolerate a minimum-wage job. After that, life is easy. Even with my salary, I can afford three cartons of menthols a week. Mmmm, menthols... My advice, don't go to either school. Check out Blaine Beauty school, it worked for me!

LaTwanda Ezmerelda Boutros Boutros Smith is Sheer Idiocy's premiere Advice Columnist, and travels on the road with the troop as their Beautician. LaTwanda, a graduate of Blaine Hair and Beauty School, owns and operates the one and only LaTwanda's Parlor of Beauty and Stuff in downtown Troy, New York. Her effervescent people skills allow her to take on the role of mother, sister, and friend, while helping the world become a better place; a place that embraces tuna fish sandwiches. LaTwanda wishes to thank her mother, Shaniqua, and her favoritest of thirteen sisters, Shawanda for their support and "great hair," as well as Lee Press On Nails, Franzia Wine In A Box, and Mambo Number 5 for "being there."

Got a question for Latwanda? Email her at asklatwanda@sheeridiocy.net!