The poor waifs, hence to be named Carrie and Jon, exhibit their unbridled glee at being rescued. (image captured by staff photographer Jeff Kimball)

Top News: Sheer Idiocy Adopts Wild Children Raised By Meerkats

Troy, NY – In an unprecedented act of philanthropy, local Improv Comedy troupe Sheer Idiocy adopted two lucky waifs who they recently recovered from the wild. The children had apparently been raised by a community of meerkats. (a herd? a flock? what the hell do you call a group of meerkats, anyways? don't we have interns to look this stuff up?) The children’s familial origins are unknown.

Sheer Idiocy was forced to go to Supreme Court to defend its right to raise the children. The plaintiff, the New York Society for the Wildification of Meerkat Babies, charged that Sheer Idiocy is incapable of properly raising children, as it is currently composed entirely of college men, who are known to have meager incomes and loose morals. Ultimately, the Idiots were able to convince the judge and jury of the sincerity of their intentions of caring for the waifs, although the plaintiff insinuated that this was only a skillful act.

"Act? Me? Your honor, I swear upon all that is holy that I will love these babies as my own", stated Idiocy Emperour Michael Hourihan, as a fairly convincing tear rolled down his cheek. Hourihan later stated, "We're just so happy. Tickled pink, really. Happy as clams."

"We’ll have to name them, of course," said Hourihan. "Since there were six of us, we each got to pick one name, so it was fair. We’re going to call the girl waif Caroline Elizabeth DePetris, and the boy waif Jonathan Franklin Bragg. Isn't that beautiful? I chose 'Franklin', after my personal hero Benjamin Franklin," prattled Hourihan, with a dreamy faraway look in his eyes.

Former Emperour Stefanie Noble, currently banished to the hinterlands, then appeared with a large *poof* to test the resonance of the waif babies. After bopping them repeatedly with cardboard tubes in the ancient Idiot tradition, the excommunicated Emperour called upon famous Idiot hairstylist to the stars LaTwanda to give the children some decent hairdos for once in their godforsaken life. Styled within an inch of their life and still coughing from the excessive use of JuicyBlue Brand Hair Goop and Bug Repellent, Ex-Emperour Stef then sat the babies down and implanted the full Idiot history into their mealy, underdeveloped little brains. She then flung papers at the current Emperour as punishment for excessive prattling and with another *poof*, disappeared back into the ether.

When asked of the Idiots' plans for the foundlings, Idiocy Director Matthew Hitchens stated, "Well, y'see, first we're gonna feed 'em lots of nutritious food, like grits and chicken pot pies, so they grow up big and strong. We'll probably have to teach 'em to speak English, since they been living with the meerkats so long. And maybe if they turn out all gifted and smart-like, we might teach 'em to improvise like us. If not, we'll probably apprentice 'em out to Marriott or Public Safety. Or maybe the Claw will git 'em. Cause when the Claw gits ya, it gits ya real good."

May God have mercy on their souls.

This report was provided by Idiot Correspondent Jeff Kimball.  Idiot Alumnus Stefanie Noble also contributed to this report.