Swimmin' River Baby in natural habitat with two country fisherpersons. Bystanders noted that many exclamations of "Sweet Nancy!" and "Tarnation! That's one big ol' swimmin' rivah baby!" were made. (image captured by staff photographer Jeff Kimball)

Ask Swimmin' River Baby

A Backwoods Advice Column

Dear Swimmin' River Baby:
I suspect my girlfriend is cheating on me. But we always have such a good time together, and we've been going out for such a long time, I can't see us not being together. What should I do?
Confused in Kingston

Dear Confused:
You should do what I do when I be gettin' the bad fishes. You throw 'em back in the rivah. And that's what you should do wit yo' girlfriend. Throw her ass back in the rivah! If she loves you, she'll stay afloat and swim herself to de bank o' de rivah! If she be cheatin' she sinks. It's dat simple.

Dear Swimmin' River Baby:
I found a wallet on the street with over $1,000 in cash. There was no ID inside the wallet, so I don't know who it belongs to. I recently got my hours cut at work and I really need the money, but my conscience is telling me to turn the wallet into the police. What do you recommend?
Honest in Ottawa

Dear Honest:
You should do what I do when I be gettin' the bad fishes. You throw 'em back in the rivah. And that's what you should do wit yo' wallet. Throw dat thing in the rivah! If you were meant to have de cash, it'll stay afloat and drift to de bank o' de rivah! If you shouldn't be keepin' de money, de wallet sinks. It's dat simple.

Dear Swimmin' River Baby:
My job is going nowhere. It pays well, but there is so much to be said for happiness on the job. I'd prefer to be happier, even if that means getting paid less. But today's economy is so uncertain, leaving this firm means I lose the stability I once had with my career. I don't know what to do.
Stagnant in Stamford

Dear Stagnant:
You should do what I do when I be gettin' the bad fishes. You throw 'em back in the rivah. And that's what you should do wit yo' self. Throw yo' self in the rivah! If you were meant to move onto another career, you'll stay afloat and drift to de bank o' de rivah! If you shouldn't get another job, ye sink. It's dat simple.

Dear Swimmin' River Baby:
I have a friend who's got Hepatitis Omega ("Now with Anal Warts!"). I am, I mean he is very sensitive about them, and so can't participate in normal social activities, such as drinking out of public water fountains or eating namebrand cereals. What special lotions or electronic devices might one employ to prevent this horrible disease from inhibiting a wild, sexually active night life?
yours truly, Horny with Hepatitis

Dear Horny:
You should do what I do when I be gettin' the bad fishes. You throw 'em back in the rivah. And that's what you should do wit yo' friend. Throw yo' friend in the rivah! If their anal warts pop and go away, they'll stay afloat and drift to de bank o' de rivah! If even special lotions or vibrators don't work, they sink. It's dat simple. You might also want to throw yo' cereals in the rivah! If they're not part of a who'some, well-balanced breakfast, they'll sink. It's dat simple.

Swimmin' River Baby is a guest Advice Columnist for Sheer Idiocy, and was captured earlier last November in the rapids of the great Mississippi. Swimmin' River Baby appears courtesy of the National Wildlife Federation, currently under research and testing at the organization's Albany laboratories. Swimmin' River Baby wishes to thank the Mississippi-based power plants for providing the right mix of toxins and pollutants necessary for the development of such a being as Swimmin' River Baby. Please do not feed Swimmin' River Baby, as Swimmin' River Baby may become aggressive. Got a question for Swimmin' River Baby? Get a rabies shot, then email him at askswimminriverbaby@sheeridiocy.net.