Kevin Deraney

Idiot from: Spring 2008 to Spring 2011

Since the dawn of time, humanity has sought to explain the unexplainable. Why is the sky blue? Why does cheesecake taste so good? What is the best way to make a chocolate chip pancake? Some things are just not meant to be understood. However, recent scientific studies by leading researchers have discovered some startling conclusions about the nature of the universe.

It turns out the every amazing occurence during the course of a humans life, as well as the length of human history, is the result of one single element. Whether it be the dicovery of electricity, the European renaissance, or the birth of a human child, they have all been linked to this one amazing component. The element itself has been identified as Kevin Deraney.

Kevin Deraney has many unique properties that make it unlike any element known to man. It has the ability to turn lead into to gold, but not just that. It can change aluminum into cheese, wool into fire, and horse hair into mexican jumping beans. Kevin Deraney is widely accepted as a panecea for al diseases, including cancer, the shanks, and the common cold.

Researchers are still looking into the use of Kevin Deraney as an alernate power source. This could help end the energy crisis as well as lower the importance of foreign oil. Scienctists are also looking for ways to use it as a form of faster than light travel.