Kevin Turner
Idiot from: Fall 2010 to Spring 2013
It was a simple time in the state of New Hampshire. Men were returning from war to reunite with their wives and to populate the granite state. But times had changed by the time the Turner Clan from the western plains welcomed their fourth child to a now troubled world. A world where one could not trust their friends, where people were jerks and everyone stayed awake in differential equations. Mr. and Mrs. Turner decided to name this child, their third son, Cadet, after Mrs. Turner's Great Uncle who had dementia. Growing up, Cadet was not like the other boys. He was funnier, more awkward and had much more energy. Because of this boys in his grade, and his two older brothers would constantly beat him up and make fun of him for being different. Cadet was able to cope with the emotional and physical abuse by pretending to be all of the characters in a crowded location on his own. In high school he got his first girlfriend for his Robert De Niro impression. This girl dumped him two weeks later when she heard his deal-breakingly accurate impression of Marge Simpson.
After years of abuse for having the name Cadet, for being good at impressions and physical humor and being a bit off, Cadet Turner realized his destiny. He would go somewhere where there were not too many girls to be offended by his impressions, where he could exercise his talents in physical comedy and legitimately be called Cadet.
"Oh, but of course! Rensselear Polytechnic Institute is where I shall go!"
He could become a 'Cadet' in their strong Air Force Reserve Officer Training Corps, there weren't too many girls and he heard of group where being strange, good at physical humor and impressions. And so it was, Cadet Cadet Turner's name now made sense and for four Fridays a semester, girls thought his impressions were awesome.